It was the second worst strip club I've ever been in

Posted on Wednesday, October 12, 2011 Though, being the second worst strip club I’d ever been in also made it the third best, so perhaps I’m not the best judge of such things. And to be fair, the gap between it and the very worst (which was in Wellington for those keeping score) was considerable. And to be fair to Wellington, the ‘best’ was also in Wellington.

It was around 6am. There’d been a gig I went to see in Newtown and I was drinking with the dregs of the venue’s bar staff after closing time. I’d spent the last hour or two at the Townie making the usual mistakes; signing up to play guitar on the album of someone who’s music I’d never heard, and arguing about the meaning of ‘Once Were Warriors’ with a half-Maori half-Samoan Chef.

I’m not too keen on the idea of going to the Cross with about $3 in my wallet but the whole group is getting into cabs en route, because it turns out one of the bar girls has never had  the pleasure of “boobs in her face”, and Chef decides this must be rectified. I have to stop in the middle of my spirited “cook the man some eggs” monologue and hop in.

Alice Terry, who’s album I’ve just volunteered to play guitar on, takes a front row seat in front of one of ShowGirls’ finest ladies with the coolly appraising eye of a titty-bar connoisseur (which it turns out, she is). Chef buys her $40 worth of vagina in the face (which turns out to be quite a lot) and an old Asian man asks the girl I’m trying to hit on if she’ll strip for him. She’s quite offended, but I point out she is a pretty girl and we are in a strip club, after all. I’m sure we’ve all made the mistake of going into a Chinese restaurant and asking an old Asian man what the specials were, who didn’t even work there. No? Ok.

A few depressing Gwen Stefani hits later, one of the waitresses comes up and motions to me, shouting in an horrendous, possibly Scottish accent. What does she want? Money? A passport home? A delicious deep-fried snack? Oh, it turns out she’s asking if she can fondle my beard. I feel incredibly objectified but consent, wondering if I can parlay it into some sort of free drink. I can’t, even though this place seems to be based on the concept of trading body parts for goods and services.

Anyway, I was supposed to spend the day writing an informative blog about all the amazing places we’re going on our upcoming Lo-Fi Thigh High tour, but they’re all on the ‘upcoming shows’ part of the website and I’m tired, so just that look at that, dummy.

For anyone in Sydney, make sure you come to our final, homecoming date of the tour at the Metro Theatre, 9th of December. It’s the biggest place we’ve ever booked so if we don’t get enough people there it’ll look shithouse.

It’s going to be our first headline gigs in Tasmania, Byron Bay, and Broken Hill, and our very first time in Western Australia. Swan Lagers for all!

I was also going to tell you about how we’re going to be on the wiggles ReWiggled album celebrating their 20th anniversary, and how honoured we are to be alongside bands like Frenzal Rhomb, Jebediah, the Living End, etc and make it into some sort of joke that we were supposed to actually be on the Hi-5 tribute album and there was a pressing error at the ABC factory, but I’m sure you’ll hear heaps about it in the next few weeks. Here’s the tracklisting.
http://timberandsteel.wordpress.com/2011/10/07/rewiggled-a-tribute-to-the-wiggles/

Ps. Thank you to all for the kind words about our new song we put out the other day. You can still download it for free here, and it and another track will be available at the gigs on limited amounts of vinyl. With the best vinyl artwork since “Smell the Glove”. That’s a guarantee.

Pauly

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